


Fear of happiness

by AlmostThere104



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Not Beta Read, Orgasm Delay/Denial
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-28
Updated: 2020-07-28
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:26:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25575037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlmostThere104/pseuds/AlmostThere104
Summary: The fear will never disappear. But as long as it exists, they know they still have each other.
Relationships: Matsumoto Jun/Sakurai Sho
Comments: 7
Kudos: 22





	Fear of happiness

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my native language so yeah... 
> 
> And this fic is sappy (+ messy). You have been warned.

Happiness is a scary thing. That’s what Sho thinks.

His mind will become fragile once he gets too used to happiness. He tells himself repeatedly: Do your best with everything, enjoy yourself to the fullest. But don’t drown yourself in happiness. You must not do that.

Happiness is so soft that you can't tell where it is. When you notice it, your feet will be covered with softness that sinks so hard that you cannot get out. Even if you fall, your happy cushion will gently hold you. Rolling there and squinting to the beautiful scenery, your eyes will get used to the bright light and you will not be able to withstand the dark anymore.

―― _So don't get too used to happiness_. Sho prepares as if he restrains himself.

_You always have to think about losing everything someday._

***

The book of the night is a smooth blackout curtain. Everybody throws away the masks they wear during the day and gently reveals their bare self during the night time. At night, when the world is quiet and alone, the soft, soft night time interlude covers everything and quietly creates a secret time.

The secrets in this room are also hidden on the stage where the curtain falls, and the time when only two people know is protected at night. During the day, while taking in the eyes and interests of the people, even when they put themselves in this job, where the whole body is illuminated by a spotlight too.

In the room where the book of the night fell, there was a slight damp sound. The quiet air has been driven away and filled with dense affairs.

“A… Ah!”

The moment when a part of his lover breaks into his body, there’s always something on Sho’s mind. He wishes he could get used to this sensation, but his heated body always got surprisingly hot, the place to accept was moist and wet, and the thing coming in was too hard he can't get used to it forever.

Although Jun always caresses Sho carefully, the force he put in Sho’s waist and the speed he’s moving show a violent hunger. It makes Sho feel relieved somehow. It gives off a hot breath to the heat that floats. _It’s still early to lose yourself_ ――Sho, who knows that he will be beaten into the waves of intense pleasure after this, tries to cling to his mind with the little time after the impact of insertion―― He always asks himself――He wonders how long he has left until this happiness disappear.

Numbness is running in his lower body. _Don’t chase that pleasure_ , he tells himself as he tries to dissipate the pleasure a little bit. As he stretches his toes on the smooth sheet, he notices the tips are still hot.

When he spills a long breath and distracts his consciousness, Sho notices that Jun's waist has come into close contact with his hip joint that has opened to its limit. The familiar shape of that person fits _there_ perfectly, it makes him feel a great sense of fulfilment.

When he exhales a little to keep his breath, the bangs covered with sweat are slowly raised and a kiss gently drops on his forehead.

“Are you alright?”

When he nods, Jun puts his hair over his ears and softly strokes his earlobe. He couldn't stop the groan from his throat because of the stimulus, and when Sho finally opened his closed eyes, there was a beautiful man, like a night sky lit by orange lights.

A man who always keeps his cool look now breaks his hair in the pressure, sweating on his forehead, and his eyes and voices are blurred with uncontrollable lust. Sho is wrapped in fresh surprise every time he sees this expression of his boyfriend – Jun. The thoughts he tried to push away before is immediately pulled back by the strong touch to his prostate.

“I’m going to move…”

At the moment he felt the other’s waist slowly went away, Sho involuntarily twisted his legs to hold it back. Because the force was too strong, he let out a small scream. Surprised by Sho’s act, Jun stopped moving immediately.

Sho held out both hands to Jun, who narrowed his eyes in confusion. Recognizing the intention of Sho, Jun sank his body lower. Sho, satisfied with that as he snuggled his arms around Jun's neck while nearly sobbing.

“…Jun, wait… let’s stay like this a little more…”

The welcomed skin sweats with each other and is very comfortable even though it makes him feel too hot. The ruffled sensation elicited a sense of fulfilment, and Sho exhaled satisfactorily with the fact that Jun also quietly hugged him back. This kind of pleasure swells all over the body, the sense of fulfilment is even better than before.

“Does it hurt anywhere?”

“No, I just… I just want to hug you…”

“Okay”

Sho is also a man so he knows making Jun stops in this situation is cruel, but Jun still complies obediently and says: “Please let me before I wither away”. He flutters on Sho's upper lip jokingly, and when Sho laughs, there is something that gradually echoes from inside as he moves.

With a little more patience, Sho puts a small kiss on Jun's eyelids then strokes his hair. Jun let him do it, looked at him with such compassionate eyes, and Sho suddenly wanted to cry. He doesn’t know this kind of happiness.

“Jun, I love you. I love you.”

“I love you too. So, so much.”

When Sho whispered to Jun’s ears, Jun turned his face as close as possible to touch his nose, and he told Sho with a sweet voice like honey.

Jun probably doesn’t know how much impatience in Sho's words of love. That’s what Sho thinks.

Matsumoto Jun is a perfect boyfriend. For Sho, Jun is the only person, and a person like him will surely not appear in his future life. Surely Sho’s life will be over without knowing anyone except Jun.

No matter how much thought Sho has, in order not to burden Jun, he desperately restraint himself and only shows Jun his love in a subtle way. Even though Sho told himself it’s not good to repress his feelings, he still didn’t let Jun knows about the weight of his love when he confessed to Jun.

_Don’t overdo everything_. Sho imposes that sentence on himself. _Don't be exaggerated_.

But there is no secret behind such a beautiful dark curtain of the night. There is only bare emotion. At night, the secrets of loneliness, peaceful rest, pure love, true intentions that cannot be exposed under the sun, and all that are shown in this place, Sho wants to cry at everything Jun offers him. The gentle caring, how he embraced him, those sweet kisses and words of love, it make he sees the essence of sex love, not just for pleasure.

If he is strongly aware of this happiness, something in Sho will break. That’s why he doesn’t want to give Jun that weight of his love. It’s scary to be drowned in happiness. The last time he was too occupied in that happiness, he didn’t notice the change in Jun and almost lost Jun forever. He never wants to feel that again – the feeling of distress and misery when he turned his head back and Jun wasn’t there by his side. That time, he hadn’t fallen that _deep_ , he could still stand up and gather his courage and start everything again.

But this time, Sho won’t be able to bear it. It won’t kill him but he knows he will only exist in this world with a soulless body the moment Jun walks away from his life.

Sho stares at the thing called _Happiness_. And an obvious fact, that there is no _E_ _ternity_.

―That's why,

Sho pulled Jun's waist with his entangled feet. When the strength of the abdominal muscles suddenly ceased and he became aware of Sho's unavoidable hot place, from Jun’s lips leaked a small moaning.

“It’s okay now. Move before _little Jun_ becomes useless.”

Jun laughs a little, his eyes are full of challenging. Heat is lit in his eyes and Sho’s body turns even hotter. Sho loves this moment when he becomes a prey. At this moment, just being devoured, just being sought, makes Sho feels secured. He doesn’t have to give up. As long as he’s still needed by Jun, he’s convinced that this happiness will continue.

His waist was grabbed strongly. The thing inside him was pulled out for a moment and before he could take another short breath, it is entered at once thrust.

Is it because he made Jun endure for too long? The movement is too violent even though it’s only the beginning. He wonders how much more will Jun push in. When his deepest place is touched, tears fall from the corner of Sho's eyes. He stretched his legs on the sheets when his prostate was found and then being abused over and over, desperately tried to hold on to something. His hands touched his lover’s arms holding his waist, wanted to do something more. But they were weak as Sho trembled in pleasure, so they could only scratch some marks on the pale skin.

“You feel so good, Sho. _Mine_.”

He could barely make out the sentence, and when he did, it went straight to his cock. In the swaying field of view, he can see that his boyfriend is just in front of him, the pleasure that is already accumulated in the lower half of the body cannot be repressed, and the white light begins to grow in the back of the eyelid. 

The happiness filling him makes him want to cry. He can't stop thinking about the kindness that is here now and the future that he may lose. He doesn't want to be drowned, he doesn’t want to fall deeper into that sweet trap.

Sho does not know whether the pleasure that comes from the lower half of his body controls his mind or whether the pleasure he felt in his mind controls his whole body. The lower half of the bodies rubbed against each other, rushed in, and messed up to the point where he couldn't know what was going on. Sho thinks that sex is not just a stimulus to the genitals, but a thing that can be done in the head too. All he can feel is the harsh breath against his ear, the face of Jun who clenches his teeth while lost in pleasure, the smell of his own arousal and the wetness between their bodies.

_Jun, Jun_ , he moans, his voice gradually melts and changes into a series of incoherent words. _Don’t leave me, don’t give me more happiness, I love you, I’m scared, thank you, why do you have to teach me this happiness?_

―Why do you make me love you this much when we both know we can’t be together forever?

He can only be honest in this moment. He can let out a bit of his repressed feeling, mask it with unrecognizable whispers. Otherwise Jun will know. He can’t let Jun know. The moment he knows, they won’t be able to turn back.

Sho tries to reach down to his cock when he senses it, the familiar wave of pleasure reaching near. But Jun stops him, and both of his hands are gently restrained and pressed to the bed. Sho groans as his body being pushed to its limit.

“Jun… please, please…!”

_Hold me. I’m scared. Hold me and never let go_.

He screamed desperately when Jun embraced him without hesitation, the position helped Jun aimed for his prostate even more violently than before. Sho sobs when Jun’s hand finds his cock, he feels like he’s falling down helplessly, every thrusts inside are knocking his breath out.

“Sho, Sho…!”

Jun’s voice was the last thing he could hear before tumbling over the edge.

***

Jun lifts Sho’s hand to his lips and kisses each knuckle with tenderness. He always cherishes moments like these, where he can feel his boyfriend’s taste and smell and extremely aware of the fact that he has Sho all for himself. No matter how many times they did this, he still can’t get enough, still can’t gather enough courage to say he’s ready to let all of this warm and happiness go.

_Even though he knows everything will come to an end someday._

Jun is not an easy person to deal with. He’s stubborn, strict and too much of a perfectionist. _Those traits help your work a lot but not your significant other_ , someone in his impulsive past told him. But that’s not the only reason why he has to prepare himself for the day Sho gets tired of him and walks away.

Sakurai Sho is a perfect boyfriend. He’s kind, caring and everything Jun wishes for even before Jun realised his feeling for Sho wasn’t just a mere admiration for his senior. And most of all, he’s not someone who Jun could keep only to himself.

And so he tries, desperately to not show his desire too much, keep a distance between himself and Sho despite his mind tells him how much he yearns for staying close by his side.

But the night belongs to them. So he doesn’t hide anything when the night comes, he takes and takes anything Sho offers him, his sweet scents, his tempting moans, his warm words of love and his irresistible body. _He’s mine, only mine_ , Jun entertains himself with that thought. 

But Jun knows they can’t be together forever. This happiness will be put to an end someday and no one can stop it. In order to delay that time as long as possible, Jun restraints himself, keeps his feelings in check. That time when he suddenly got greedy and tried to get Sho look at him in a different way other than a cute junior, he almost pushed Sho away from him forever. He can’t risk that now, not when he has falling too deep, not when he hasn’t got enough of their time together.

He feels like crying every time he imagines his future without Sho.

***

“Let me get you some water.”

“Hmm…”

Sho usually gets sleepy after their love-making even when he’s not the one who takes it. Maybe it’s because his body requires charging after his hellish schedule. Jun helped Sho to the bed after both of them cleaned up in the bathroom and then he got out to the kitchen to get water for Sho to drink. He checked his refrigerator, already thought of what to make for breakfast in the morning. Jun wanted to make some food for Sho to take home too, he only had to re-heat them for dinner. Sho really should reduce those take-out foods amount.

Jun was too distracted that he didn’t notice Sho had come right behind him, forehead against Jun's shoulder. Anyone who approaches him that way would have had some prices to pay but of course Sho is not just anyone, so Jun continued to pour the water to a glass on the counter, his free hand reached for Sho’s hair.

“Aren’t you tired? You should have stayed on the bed.”

“Hm… Just want to be close to you.”

Sho probably doesn’t know how much his sometimes clingy behaviour affects Jun’s heart. Sho never shows this side of him to anyone else but Jun, it makes Jun feels like he’s needed, like Jun is the only one, and he falls all over again.

Jun brings the glass up and puts water in his mouth. However, he didn’t swallow the water, and he put his hand on the chin of Sho next to him and lifted his face a little.

“Jun…?”

Jun quietly put his lips over Sho who was confused.

After he felt that Sho’s lips had opened a little, he poured the water into Sho’s mouth. When there’s a swallowing noise from Sho’s throat, Jun moves his lips up and down, uses his tongue to clean some droplets of water, then comes back and deepens the kiss.

Jun had turned back and completely engulfed Sho in his arms, fingers tracing Sho’s waist with a clear intention. Sho moans and pulls back a little when he feels Jun grinds their hips together, the friction through the clothes is too much to bear.

“We… are we doing it again?” 

“Can’t we?”

Jun knows the answer even before he asks. But he waits anyway, because he never does something without Sho’s consent, and he wants to see how that question affects Sho, how it always changes Sho’s expression into something so irresistible to Jun. Sho’s ears turn deliciously red when he mumbles the word, and that’s all it take for Jun to pull Sho roughly against him, devours his surprised gasps and moans.

***

Sho’s still loose from their previous love-making but Jun still takes time and stretches him with more lube, despite Sho’s protest. Sho is now bent over the kitchen counter, his waist quivers and trembles, his cocks which had only shown a mild reaction until a while ago, are completely erect. Jun’s fingers are teasingly pushed in and out of Sho’s hole while his teeth sucking on Sho’s earlobe. Jun knows what he’s doing now is a little too cruel, he doesn’t sense any pain from Sho but he still does things slowly on purpose, wanting to drive Sho crazy with unsatisfied pleasure. He only gives in when Sho begs for the third time, with eyes so wet and drench in lust, lips trembling red.

Jun clenches his teeth when the warm engulfs him, the tightness almost makes him lose his mind and just thrust himself into that heat. Jun puts his hands on top of Sho's hands, which were trembling in pleasure, and begins a deep rhythm from the beginning without any adjustment.

He saw Sho’s sweat falling to the counter and his own falling down Sho’s neck, the entire scene turned him on greatly. He struck his hips strongly, wanting to go deeper and deeper, wishing they could become one if he did that. If they become one, nothing could separate them.

Sho is moaning something incoherently again. Jun tries to figure it out but fails every time, he himself is already struggling to keep his mind sane so that he won’t miss any negative reactions from Sho. He lowers his head a little to press his lips against Sho’s temple, whispering gentle encouragement while thrusting violently into Sho’s heat.

_Remember this moment. Engrave it into your memory_. He was connected to Sho here, they pursued pleasure together, he had everything Sho gave him and gave Sho everything in return, his body, his heart, _everything_. Jun smiled unconsciously, this is the first time they made love in the kitchen. He’s had a couple of times with Sho outside the bedroom. In the bathroom when their cleaning up turns into something indecent; at the front door when they’re separated for too long because of work; on the sofa in the living room when they’re overflowed with their love for each other.

A few of those nights was out of their control but Jun knows most of them were him deliberately seduced Sho into having sex outside of the bedroom. He has been doing that in order to carve Sho’s existence everywhere in his life.

Yes, so that even when Sho’s gone, Jun could still remember he and Sho were connected when he stood in the kitchen, could remember Sho’s touch and kisses when he rested on the sofa, could remember he had had all of Sho every time he left or returned to the genkan of his apartment.

Yes, so that even when Jun has to live alone, all those times he spent with Sho will become the power and comfort he needs to continue his life. A life without his heart.

But until that time comes, only until he hears those words from Sho, he will never let Sho go, nothing nor no one except for Sho himself could make him do it. He doesn’t want to see the end of this love, he doesn’t want to let go of the warm it brings. His happiness is him being loved by Sho, being together with Sho. That’s why Jun is both longing for and afraid of this happiness, it could take him to the heaven or break him into pieces the moment he lets his guard down.

***

They changed again, this time Sho didn’t even bother to put his shirt on, just slipped in his trunks and then fell to the bed. Jun looked at him fondly and pulled the blanket over them both. After a while, when Jun nearly drifted off to sleep, he felt Sho hugged him tightly, his head below Jun’s chin.

“What’s wrong? You’re awfully clingy tonight”. Jun mumbles into Sho’s hair.

He receives no answers, instead the hold around his body getting tightened. The reaction wakes Jun up completely, sleepiness is replaced with concern. The way Sho tries to be intimately attached to him is full of mysterious desperation, strong but so fragile inside that it might easily breaks if Jun so much as pushes it away with a little force.

He waits, then calls Sho’s name again.

“Don’t let go, Jun…”

Jun is surprised by the words. It is unusual for Sho to say these words. Jun holds back with the same strength, just to reassure Sho's arms. When he looks at Sho in his chest, he finds hesitance and vulnerability in those brown eyes.

_You must not spoil this_. Jun gently tapped Sho's back as he thought. Only in this moment that he may hear what Sho truly wanted to say, what Sho always restrained not to say to Jun.

“I won’t let go of you. What’s wrong?”

His face was pressed against Jun's chest, and his muffled voice was a little peculiar.

"Nothing lasts forever..."

The sound of Sho's words made Jun feel cold. He wondered what that was all about. The silence after that was even worse. At the moment when Jun thought that Sho wanted to break up without being forced, the muffled words of Sho continued.

"I know that... it will end someday. I’m scared… but I don’t want you to let go."

That’s it. Jun thought. That fear.

Suddenly, Jun wanted to cry.

Sho told him he didn’t want him to let go, even though Jun was preparing to live alone so that he won’t get in Sho’s way. Someone like Sho is frightened to be let go by Jun. The feeling in his chest is so overwhelming he can’t control the tears falling from his eyes. He’s sure nothing can compare to this crazy affection he’s having now.

“Sho, I love you.”

Forever and ever.

He wants to say this to Sho all the time, show Sho his feelings even when the night hasn’t come, even when they’re not alone. He kisses Sho’s forehead to pray, his lips shaking slightly. They have similar fear, the fear of letting each other go, the fear of losing the other once they’re too absorbed in happiness.

But as long as Sho tells him to not let go, Jun shows Sho how much he wants to be with him, Jun’s sure they will be able to live beyond the fear.

“I love you, Jun.”

The fear will never disappear. But as long as it exists, they know they still have each other.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic originally had 3 parts: Sho with his fear of heights, Jun with his fear of imperfection and this part, both of them with fear of happiness. But translating it from my language into English is too hard so I just skipped the first two and edited part 3 into this fic wwwwww.
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
